I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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