Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize