So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
