i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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