you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
