I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
