after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
