i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
