Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
