I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
