Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
