4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
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