I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
