I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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