What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
