he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize