My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
