note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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