we made out on top of his cat.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
