i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
