I showed him my bush... on skype.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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