i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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