im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
