i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
