I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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