I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
