If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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