I wish I could punch you in the face.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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