Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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