I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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