1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
