she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
