I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
