I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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