Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
