Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
