Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
