did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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