He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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