On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're earring is so big in my mouth
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
