I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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