I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
