I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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