she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
