fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
