the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
