I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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