Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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