can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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