He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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