i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
