I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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