You're so nebulous sometimes
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
