Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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