he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
