Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
