She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
