i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
