I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
