Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
